The Inbetween

We’ve spent much of the late summer and fall preparing to go to Uganda. This was an exciting time. Fall is our favorite season, where trees are changing colors, the sun seems to shine more, and there’s an almost constant breeze. On top of all that, we were planning to move to Uganda in the spring. Our lives were incredibly busy, but it was worth it. By the beginning of October we were ready to start our fundraising. We had only one thing we were waiting on before we could move forward.

P1110150Tony had been having some pain off and on while riding his bike this spring. We hadn’t been overly concerned, but his urologist seemed puzzled, so he had a CT scan scheduled for mid-October. We were waiting for the results of that scan to know if we could continue with our steps towards moving to Uganda.

The CT scan was followed by an MRI, and a referral to a more specialized urologist who told us he was able to see a perineal tumor that looks like sarcoma. CANCER. He ordered a biopsy to confirm, but the pathologists were unable to determine if the cells were cancerous or benign. Tony had a second biopsy last week.

This past month has brought a gamut of emotions- from anger over the situation, to mourning the loss of our current plans for Uganda, to great hope in God’s ability to heal. It has been a whirlwind and at times, I feel beaten by circumstance. However, I’m reminded that God is the provider of peace. His creation even reveals his goodness: he created hurricanes with eyes, where it is calm in the very center of the storm.  His grace allows us to find peace in even the worst of storms.

We’re living in the waiting. It’s a hard place to be, because it comes unnaturally for me. I was raised with the idea that if I didn’t like my situation, then I could work to change it. But at this time, there’s nothing I can do. I’m 31 years old and feel like this is the time when Tony & I can make big changes in our lives to live into the desires God has placed in our hearts. And yet, our circumstances keep stopping us in our tracks. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I know that God created us with these passions. He will lead us into those things. But for now we are to be still. For now we are to pray.

My friend, Eve, recently shared a verse with me from the book of Exodus. It’s from the story of God delivering the Israelites from the hands of Pharoah in Egypt. The Israelites get to the desert and see Pharoah’s army coming after them and think they’re all going to die there, and say they had it better when they were slaves in Egypt. Moses responds with:

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…The Lord will fight for you;  you need only to be still.”

I’m praying that I understand and realize this more and more each day. The Lord will fight for us. We need only to be still.


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